Mark Twain Quotes on Life, Death, Travel, Politics, Truth & Love

“Humor is tragedy plus time.”

“Humor is tragedy plus time.” — Mark Twain

“We had an abundance of mangoes, papaias and bananas here, but the pride of the

“We had an abundance of mangoes, papaias and bananas here, but the pride of the islands, the most delicious fruit known to men, cherimoya, was not in season. It has a soft pulp, like a pawpaw, and is eaten with a spoon.” — Mark Twain

“O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells

“O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain;.” — Mark Twain

“Cold! If the thermometer had been an inch longer we’d all have frozen to death!”

“Cold! If the thermometer had been an inch longer we’d all have frozen to death!” — Mark Twain

“In the small town of Hannibal, Missouri, when I was a boy, everybody was poor

“In the small town of Hannibal, Missouri, when I was a boy, everybody was poor, but didn’t know it; and everybody was comfortable and did know it.” — Mark Twain

“It’s awful undermining to the intellect, German is; you want to take it in small doses, or first you know your brains all run together, and you feel them flapping around in your head same as so much drawn butter.” — Mark Twain

“My land, the power of training! Of influence! Of education! It can bring a body

“My land, the power of training! Of influence! Of education! It can bring a body up to believe anything.” — Mark Twain

“The spirit of wrath – not the words – is the sin; and the spirit of wrath is cursing

“The spirit of wrath – not the words – is the sin; and the spirit of wrath is cursing. We begin to swear before we can talk.” — Mark Twain

“The southerner talks music.”

“The southerner talks music.” — Mark Twain

“At noon I observed a bevy of nude young native women bathing in the sea, and I went and sat down on there clothes to keep them from being stolen.” — Mark Twain

“Where a blood relation sobs, an intimate friend should choke up, a distant acquaintance

“Where a blood relation sobs, an intimate friend should choke up, a distant acquaintance should sigh, a stranger should merely fumble sympathetically with his handkerchief.” — Mark Twain

“But I reckon I got to light out for the Territory ahead of therest, because Aunt Sally

“But I reckon I got to light out for the Territory ahead of therest, because Aunt Sally she’s going to adopt me and sivilize me, and I can’t stand it. I been there before.” — Mark Twain

“We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again and that is well but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.” — Mark Twain

“Tell the truth or trump-but get the trick.”

“Tell the truth or trump-but get the trick.” — Mark Twain

“The soul and substance of what customarily ranks as patriotism is moral cowardice

“The soul and substance of what customarily ranks as patriotism is moral cowardice – and always has been.” — Mark Twain

“But the elastic heart of youth cannot be compressed into one constrained shape

“But the elastic heart of youth cannot be compressed into one constrained shape long at a time.” — Mark Twain

“We often feel sad in the presence of music without words; and often more than that in the presence of music without music.” — Mark Twain

“Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little

“Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.” — Mark Twain

“Diligence is a good thing, but taking things easy is much more restful.”

“Diligence is a good thing, but taking things easy is much more restful.” — Mark Twain

“A newspaper is not just for reporting the news as it is, but to make people mad enough to do something about it.” — Mark Twain

“Switzerland would me a mighty big place if it were ironed flat.”

“Switzerland would me a mighty big place if it were ironed flat.” — Mark Twain

“Thanksgiving day. Let us all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks now, but the turkeys.”

“Thanksgiving day. Let us all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks now, but the turkeys.” — Mark Twain

“Take your mind out every now and then and dance on it. It is getting all caked up.” — Mark Twain

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear-not absence of fear. Except a creature

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear-not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose application of the word. Consider the flea! – incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage.” — Mark Twain

“Not until you become a stranger to yourself will you be able to make acquaintance

“Not until you become a stranger to yourself will you be able to make acquaintance with the Friend.” — Mark Twain

“A sound heart is a surer guide than an ill-trained conscience.” — Mark Twain

“The easy confidence with which I know another man’s religion is folly teaches me

“The easy confidence with which I know another man’s religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.” — Mark Twain

“Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.”

“Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.” — Mark Twain

“When one has tasted watermelons, one knows what angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because she repented.” — Mark Twain

“It is hopeless for the occasional visitor to try to keep up with Chicago-she outgrows his

“It is hopeless for the occasional visitor to try to keep up with Chicago-she outgrows his prophecies faster than he can make them. She is always a novelty; for she is never the Chicago you saw when you passed through the last time.” — Mark Twain

“Wherefore being all of one mind, we do highly resolve that government of the grafted

“Wherefore being all of one mind, we do highly resolve that government of the grafted by the grafter for the grafter shall not perish from the earth.” — Mark Twain

“Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name Bzjxxllwcp is pronounced Jackson.” — Mark Twain

“Give a man a reputation as an early riser and he can sleep ’til noon.”

“Give a man a reputation as an early riser and he can sleep ’til noon.” — Mark Twain

“You don’t know about me, without you have read a book by the name of ‘The

“You don’t know about me, without you have read a book by the name of ‘The Adventures of Tom Sawyer,’ but that ain’t no matter. That book was made by a Mr. Mark Twain, and he told the truth, mainly.” — Mark Twain

“Always obey your parents. When they are present. This is the best policy in the long run. Because if you don’t, they will make you. Most parents think they know better than you do, and you can generally make more by humoring that superstition than you can by acting on your own better judgment.” — Mark Twain

“My father was a Saint Bernard, my mother was a Collie, but I am a Presbyterian.”

“My father was a Saint Bernard, my mother was a Collie, but I am a Presbyterian.” — Mark Twain

“Geological time is not money.”

“Geological time is not money.” — Mark Twain

“We are called the nation of inventors. And we are. We could still claim that title

“We are called the nation of inventors. And we are. We could still claim that title and wear its loftiest honors if we had stopped with the first thing we ever invented, which was human liberty.” — Mark Twain

“Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain’t so; it is the sickening grammar that they use.” — Mark Twain

“Change is the handmaiden Nature requires to do her miracles with.”

“Change is the handmaiden Nature requires to do her miracles with.” — Mark Twain

“Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.”

“Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.” — Mark Twain

“The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad.” — Mark Twain

“Homely truth is unpalatable.”

“Homely truth is unpalatable.” — Mark Twain

“Just the omission of Jane Austen’s books alone would make a fairly good

“Just the omission of Jane Austen’s books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn’t a book in it.” — Mark Twain

“A few fly bites cannot stop a spirited horse.” — Mark Twain

“Man is the only religious animal. In the Holy task of smoothing his brother’s

“Man is the only religious animal. In the Holy task of smoothing his brother’s path to the happiness of heaven, he has turned the globe into a graveyard.” — Mark Twain

“It’s not the good that die young, it’s the lucky.” — Mark Twain

“I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the

“I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.” — Mark Twain

“It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.” — Mark Twain

“Human nature is the same everywhere; it deifies success, it has nothing but scorn for defeat.”

“Human nature is the same everywhere; it deifies success, it has nothing but scorn for defeat.” — Mark Twain

“Wheresoever she was, there was Eden.”

“Wheresoever she was, there was Eden.” — Mark Twain

“The moral sense enables one to perceive morality, and avoid it. The immoral sense enables one to perceive immorality and enjoy it.” — Mark Twain

“A country without a patent office and good patent laws is just a crab, and can’t

“A country without a patent office and good patent laws is just a crab, and can’t travel any way but sideways and backways.” — Mark Twain

“You want to be very careful about lying; otherwise you are nearly sure to get caught.”

“You want to be very careful about lying; otherwise you are nearly sure to get caught.” — Mark Twain

“Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.” — Mark Twain

“Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman

“Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.” — Mark Twain

“But old fools is the biggest fools there is.”

“But old fools is the biggest fools there is.” — Mark Twain

“What is human life? The first third a good time; the rest remembering about it.”

“What is human life? The first third a good time; the rest remembering about it.” — Mark Twain

We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.” — Mark Twain

“I like a good story well told. That is the reason I am sometimes forced to tell them myself.”

“I like a good story well told. That is the reason I am sometimes forced to tell them myself.” — Mark Twain

“Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.”

“Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.” — Mark Twain

“Only he who has seen better days and lives to see better days again knows their full value.”

“Only he who has seen better days and lives to see better days again knows their full value.” — Mark Twain

“There ain’t no way to find out why a snorer can’t hear himself snore.” — Mark Twain

“The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.”

“The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.” — Mark Twain

“He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.”

“He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.” — Mark Twain

“The English are mentioned in the Bible; Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.” — Mark Twain

“It was a place of sin, loose women, whiskey and gambling. It was no place for a good

“It was a place of sin, loose women, whiskey and gambling. It was no place for a good Presbyterian, and I did not long remain one.” — Mark Twain

“Our lives, our liberty, and our property are never in greater danger than when

“Our lives, our liberty, and our property are never in greater danger than when Congress is in session.” — Mark Twain

“Until I came to New Mexico, I never realized how much beauty water adds to a river.” — Mark Twain

“He had the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.”

“He had the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.” — Mark Twain

“Humor is the good natured side of a truth.”

“Humor is the good natured side of a truth.” — Mark Twain

“My mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart-a heart so large that everybody’s joys found welcome in it, and hospitable accommodation.” — Mark Twain

“All emotion is involuntary when genuine.”

“All emotion is involuntary when genuine.” — Mark Twain

“Man is the only animal that is cruel. It kills just for the sake of it.”

“Man is the only animal that is cruel. It kills just for the sake of it.” — Mark Twain

“If the Christians of America could be persuaded to vote God and a clean ticket

“If the Christians of America could be persuaded to vote God and a clean ticket, it would bring about a moral revolution that would be incalculably beneficent. It would save the country.” — Mark Twain

“The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.” — Mark Twain

“I have no race prejudices, and I think I have no color prejudices or caste prejudices

“I have no race prejudices, and I think I have no color prejudices or caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. Indeed I know it. I can stand any society. All that I care to know is that a man is a human being-that is enough for me; he can’t be any worse.” — Mark Twain

“There’s one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he’s crooked.” — Mark Twain

“In Boston they ask, how much does he know? In New York, how much is he worth? In

“In Boston they ask, how much does he know? In New York, how much is he worth? In Philadelphia, who were his parents?” — Mark Twain

“If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.” — Mark Twain

“A home without a cat – and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat

“A home without a cat – and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat – may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?” — Mark Twain

“By law of periodical repetition, everything which has happened once must happen

“By law of periodical repetition, everything which has happened once must happen again and again – and not capriciously, but at regular periods, and each thing in its own period, not another’s and each obeying its own law.” — Mark Twain

“Oh Death where is thy sting! It has none. But life has.” — Mark Twain

“If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.” — Mark Twain

“It is not best that we should all think alike; it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.” — Mark Twain

“I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying ‘flee at once – all is discovered.’ They all left town immediately.” — Mark Twain

“There is no other life; life itself is only a vision and a dream for nothing exists but space and you. If there was an all-powerful God, he would have made all good, and no bad.” — Mark Twain

“Consider the average intelligence of the common man, then realize 50% are even stupider.” — Mark Twain

“Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.” — Mark Twain

“It shames the average man to be valued below his own estimate of his worth.” — Mark Twain

“There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer them, or turn them into literature.” — Mark Twain

“We may not pay Satan reverence, for that would be indiscreet, but we can at least respect his talents.” — Mark Twain

“Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.” — Mark Twain

“Laughter is the greatest weapon we have and we, as humans, use it the least.” — Mark Twain

“Civilization largely consists in hiding human nature. When the barbarian learns to hide it we account him enlightened.” — Mark Twain

“Talent without work is useless, thank God.” — Mark Twain

“The true charm of pedestrians does not lie in the walking, or in the scenery, but in the talking.” — Mark Twain

“Never tell a lie-except for practice.” — Mark Twain

“On with dance, let joy be unconfined, is my motto; whether there’s any dance to dance or any joy to unconfined.” — Mark Twain

“No God and no religion can survive ridicule. No political church, no nobility, no royalty or other fraud, can face ridicule in a fair field, and live.” — Mark Twain

“Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.” — Mark Twain

“To believe yourself brave is to be brave; it is the one only essential thing.” — Mark Twain

“Pessimism is only the name that men of weak nerve give to wisdom.” — Mark Twain

“Such is professional jealousy; a scientist will never show any kindness for a theory which he did not start himself.” — Mark Twain

“One compliment can keep me going for a whole month.” — Mark Twain

“A pilot must have a memory developed to absolute perfection. But there are two higher qualities which he also must have. He must have good and quick judgment and decision, and a cool, calm courage that no peril can shake.” — Mark Twain

“There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy’s life when he has a raging desire to go somewhere and dig for hidden treasure.” — Mark Twain

“One must travel, to learn. Every day, now, old Scriptural phrases that never possessed any significance for me before, take to themselves a meaning.” — Mark Twain

“The law of work seems unfair, but nothing can change it; the more enjoyment you get out of your work, the more money you will make.” — Mark Twain

“So far as I am able to judge, nothing has been left undone, either by man or nature, to make India the most extraordinary country that the sun visits on his rounds. Nothing seems to have been forgotten, nothing overlooked.” — Mark Twain

“I wish I could make him understand that a loving good heart is riches enough, and that without it intellect is poverty.” — Mark Twain

“Architects cannot teach nature anything.” — Mark Twain

“If there is a God, he is a malign thug.” — Mark Twain

“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” — Mark Twain

“Children and fools always speak the truth.” — Mark Twain

“Be careless in your dress if you will, but keep a tidy soul.” — Mark Twain

“America cannot have an empire abroad and a Republic at home.” — Mark Twain

“There are 869 different forms of lying, but only one of them has been squarely forbidden. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.” — Mark Twain

“There has been much tragedy in my life; at least half of it actually happened.” — Mark Twain

“The finest clothing made is a person’s own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.” — Mark Twain

“Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink – under any circumstances.” — Mark Twain

“Nothing that grieves us can be called little: by the eternal laws of proportion a child’s loss of a doll and a king’s loss of a crown are events of the same size.” — Mark Twain

“What is the chief end of man?-to get rich. In what way?-dishonestly if we can; honestly if we must.” — Mark Twain

“Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.” — Mark Twain

“Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.” — Mark Twain

“An American has not seen the United States until he has seen Mardi-Gras in New Orleans.” — Mark Twain

“Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered – either by themselves or by others.” — Mark Twain

“After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.” — Mark Twain

“It is easier to stay out than get out.” — Mark Twain

“Life should begin with age and it’s privileges and accumulations, and end with youth and it’s capacity to splendidly enjoy such advantages.” — Mark Twain

“High and fine literature is wine, and mine is only water; but everybody likes water.” — Mark Twain

“I smoke in moderation. Only one cigar at a time.” — Mark Twain

“We are all alike, on the inside.” — Mark Twain

“An adventure is something that while it’s happening you wish it wasn’t.” — Mark Twain

“Memories which someday will become all beautiful when the last annoyance that encumbers them shall have faded out of our minds.” — Mark Twain

“A human being has a natural desire to have more of a good thing than he needs.” — Mark Twain

“When I want to read something nice, I sit down and write it myself.” — Mark Twain

“If horses knew their strength we should not ride anymore.” — Mark Twain

“It’s lovely to live on a raft. We had the sky up there, all speckled with stars, and we used to lay on our backs and look up at them, and discuss about whether they was made or only just happened.” — Mark Twain

“Don’t go to sleep, so many people die there.” — Mark Twain

“Every man is a moon; he has a side no one sees.” — Mark Twain

“Obscurity and a competence – that is the life that is best worth living.” — Mark Twain

“Most people can’t bear to sit in church for an hour on Sundays. How are they supposed to live somewhere very similar to it for eternity?” — Mark Twain

“There is nothing in the world like a persuasive speech to fuddle the mental apparatus and upset the convictions and debauch the emotions of an audience not practiced in the tricks and delusions of oratory.” — Mark Twain

“Use the right word, not its second cousin.” — Mark Twain

“Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.” — Mark Twain

“You can’t reason with your heart; it has its own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns.” — Mark Twain

“Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.” — Mark Twain

“Honesty: The best of all the lost arts.” — Mark Twain

“One of the brightest gems in the New England weather is the dazzling uncertainty of it.” — Mark Twain

“On with the dance, let the joy be unconfined.” — Mark Twain

“Public opinion is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.” — Mark Twain

“To one in sympathy with nature, each season, in its turn, seems the loveliest.” — Mark Twain

“Be good and you will be lonesome.” — Mark Twain

“When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet deep down in his private heart no man much respects himself.” — Mark Twain

“Life is but a dream, a grotesque and foolish dream.” — Mark Twain

“The art of prophecy is very difficult, especially with respect to the future.” — Mark Twain

“A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle.” — Mark Twain

“Only a government that is rich and safe can afford to be a democracy, for democracy is the most expensive and nefarious kind of government ever heard of on earth.” — Mark Twain

“Make your mark in New York and you are a made man.” — Mark Twain

“The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopt.” — Mark Twain

“If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be – a Christian.” — Mark Twain

“A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.” — Mark Twain

“The most successful people are those who do all year long what they would otherwise do on their summer vacation.” — Mark Twain

“I never write “metropolis” for seven cents when I can write “city” and get paid the same.” — Mark Twain

“You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, burning bushes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help?” — Mark Twain

“What a wee little part of a person’s life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.” — Mark Twain

“Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.” — Mark Twain

“Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German.” — Mark Twain

“The weakest of all weak things is a virtue that has not been tested in the fire.” — Mark Twain

“The ancients stole all our ideas from us.” — Mark Twain

“It is best to read the weather forecast before praying for rain.” — Mark Twain

“We have the best government that money can buy.” — Mark Twain

“Annihilation has no terrors for me, because I have already tried it before I was born – a hundred million years – and I have suffered more in an hour, in this life, than I remember to have suffered in the whole hundred million years put together.” — Mark Twain

“France has neither winter, nor summer, nor morals. France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France.” — Mark Twain

“If you don’t like the weather in New England now, just wait a few minutes.” — Mark Twain

“Better a broken promise than none at all.” — Mark Twain

“Never be haughty to the humble, never be humble to the haughty.” — Mark Twain

“Distance lends enchantment to the view.” — Mark Twain

“The Book of Mormon is chloroform in print.” — Mark Twain

“A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.” — Mark Twain

“The offspring of riches: Pride, vanity, ostentation, arrogance, tyranny.” — Mark Twain

“If you don’t know how to pronounce a word, say it loudly. Do not compound mispronunciation with inaudibility.” — Mark Twain

“He liked to like people, therefore people liked him.” — Mark Twain

“To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.” — Mark Twain

“Humor is the great thing, the saving thing after all. The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations, and resentments flit away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.” — Mark Twain

“Teaching is like trying to hold 35 corks underwater at once.” — Mark Twain

“Do your duty today and repent tomorrow.” — Mark Twain

“The calamity that comes is never the one we had prepared ourselves for.” — Mark Twain

“But death was sweet, death was gentle, death was kind; death healed the bruised spirit and the broken heart, and gave them rest and forgetfulness; death was man’s best friend; when man could endure life no longer, death came and set him free.” — Mark Twain

“The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession.” — Mark Twain

“I wonder if God created man because He was disappointed with the monkey.” — Mark Twain

“Shut the door not that it lets in the cold but that it lets out the coziness.” — Mark Twain

“The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it’s that they know so many things that just aren’t so.” — Mark Twain

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.” — Mark Twain

“My father was an amazing man. The older I got, the smarter he got.” — Mark Twain

“A friend is someone who stays in when the rest of the world has gone out.” — Mark Twain

“Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.” — Mark Twain

“The writing begins when you’ve finished. Only then do you know what you’re trying to say.” — Mark Twain

“Unused talents gives you no advantage over someone who has no talent at all.” — Mark Twain

“And what is a man without energy? Nothing – nothing at all.” — Mark Twain

“A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.” — Mark Twain

“The citizen who sees his society’s democratic clothes being worn out and does not cry it out, is not a patriot, but a traitor.” — Mark Twain

“The more you explain it, the more I don’t understand it.” — Mark Twain

“Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.” — Mark Twain

“I am only human, although I regret it.” — Mark Twain

“Don’t wake up a woman in love. Let her dream, so that she does not weep when she returns to her bitter reality.” — Mark Twain

“The physician who knows only medicine, knows not even medicine.” — Mark Twain

“Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.” — Mark Twain

“To be busy is man’s only happiness.” — Mark Twain

“Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.” — Mark Twain

“Optimist: Person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness.” — Mark Twain

“All right, then, I’ll go to hell.” — Mark Twain

“Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.” — Mark Twain

“Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.” — Mark Twain

“Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.” — Mark Twain

“If God had meant for us to be naked, we’d have been born that way.” — Mark Twain

“The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man’s.” — Mark Twain

“Always obey your parents – when they are present.” — Mark Twain

“Irreverence is the champion of liberty and its only sure defense.” — Mark Twain

“I am an anti-imperialist. I am opposed to having the eagle put its talons on any other land.” — Mark Twain

“Let us consider that we are all insane. It will explain us to each other. It will unriddle many riddles.” — Mark Twain

“A journalist is a reporter out of a job.” — Mark Twain

“A thing long expected takes the form of the unexpected when at last it comes.” — Mark Twain

“December is the toughest month of the year. Others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, October, August, and February.” — Mark Twain

“The future interests me – I’m going to spend the rest of my life there.” — Mark Twain

“Politicians, old buildings, and prostitutes become respectable with age.” — Mark Twain

“The Mississippi River will always have its own way; no engineering skill can persuade it to do otherwise...” — Mark Twain

“I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.” — Mark Twain

“The nation is divided, half patriots and half traitors, and no man can tell which from which.” — Mark Twain

“Seasickness: at first you are so sick you are afraid you will die, and then you are so sick you are afraid you won’t die.” — Mark Twain

“Do something everyday that you don’t want to do.” — Mark Twain

“It is noble to teach oneself; it is still nobler to teach others.” — Mark Twain

“A little starvation can really do more for the average sick man than can the best medicines and the best doctors.” — Mark Twain

“If work were so pleasant, the rich would keep it for themselves.” — Mark Twain

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.” — Mark Twain

“I like criticism, but it must be my way.” — Mark Twain

“When the world is made to be idiot-proof, the world will become overpopulated with idiots.” — Mark Twain

“Everything has its limit – iron ore cannot be educated into gold.” — Mark Twain

“I was young and foolish then; now I am old and foolisher.” — Mark Twain

“It is a worthy thing to fight for one’s freedom; it is another sight finer to fight for another man’s.” — Mark Twain

“A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.” — Mark Twain

“It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.” — Mark Twain

“The first half of my life I went to school, the second half of my life I got an education.” — Mark Twain

“We can achieve what we can conceive and believe.” — Mark Twain

“Temper is what gets most of us into trouble. Pride is what keeps us there.” — Mark Twain

“You can’t break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You’ve got to walk it slowly down the stairs.” — Mark Twain

“Anyone who can only think of one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.” — Mark Twain

“Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.” — Mark Twain

“Too bad that youth is wasted on the young.” — Mark Twain

“God’s great cosmic joke on the human race was requiring that men and women live together in marriage.” — Mark Twain

“Good fathers not only tell us how to live, they show us.” — Mark Twain

“It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart: the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.” — Mark Twain

“Necessity is the mother of taking chances.” — Mark Twain

“It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.” — Mark Twain

“Life is short. Forgive quickly, kiss slowly and love truly.” — Mark Twain

“Independence-is loyalty to one’s best self and principles, and this is often disloyalty to the general idols and fetishes.” — Mark Twain

“For the majority of us, the past is a regret, the future an experiment.” — Mark Twain

“The only certainties in life are death and taxes.” — Mark Twain

“The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible.” — Mark Twain

“Make your vocation your vacation. That is the secret to success.” — Mark Twain

“When congress is in session no American is safe.” — Mark Twain

“Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.” — Mark Twain

“Nothing exists but you. And you are but a thought.” — Mark Twain

“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.” — Mark Twain

“The secret to success: find out where people are going and get there first.” — Mark Twain

“Whatever you say, say it with conviction.” — Mark Twain

“The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow.” — Mark Twain

“I was born with Halley’s Comet and I expect to die upon its return.” — Mark Twain

“A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.” — Mark Twain

“There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.” — Mark Twain

“Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.” — Mark Twain

“If everyone was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes.” — Mark Twain

“Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it.” — Mark Twain

“When in doubt tell the truth. It will confound your enemies and astound your friends.” — Mark Twain

“While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats.” — Mark Twain

“Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions.” — Mark Twain

“I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English – it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don’t let fluff and flowers and verbosity creep in.” — Mark Twain

“She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.” — Mark Twain

“Sacred cows make the best hamburger.” — Mark Twain

“Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits. Fanatics will never learn that, though it be written in letters of gold across the sky. It is the prohibition that makes anything precious.” — Mark Twain

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.” — Mark Twain

“I’m glad I did it, partly because it was worth it, but mostly because I shall never have to do it again.” — Mark Twain

“In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.” — Mark Twain

“Don’t use a five-dollar word when a fifty-cent word will do.” — Mark Twain

“Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.” — Mark Twain

“Forgiveness is the smell that lavender gives out when you tread on it.” — Mark Twain

“Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.” — Mark Twain

“The secret of success is making your vocation your vacation.” — Mark Twain

“It’s spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you’ve got it, you want – oh, you don’t quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!” — Mark Twain

“When everyone is looking for gold, it’s a good time to be in the pick and shovel business.” — Mark Twain

“A German joke is no laughing matter.” — Mark Twain

“Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough.” — Mark Twain

“Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. To live a fulfilled life, we need to keep creating the “what is next”, of our lives. Without dreams and goals there is no living, only merely existing, and that is not why we are here.” — Mark Twain

“Some people give their problems swimming lessons instead of drowning them.” — Mark Twain

“Never have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.” — Mark Twain

“The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.” — Mark Twain

“Censorship is telling a man he can’t have a steak just because a baby can’t chew it.” — Mark Twain

“I was educated once – it took me years to get over it.” — Mark Twain

“Tough times teach trust.” — Mark Twain